Today was hard.

Today was a hard day.

It was a preschool day, which means I had to convince one of my boys that going to preschool is fun.

I failed.

We got to the parking lot at preschool and Owen refused to get out of the car. Then he played a little game of going between the front seat and the back seat so that I could not reach him. I finally get him out of the car and into preschool. Children are lining up outside the classroom door and hanging their things inside their lockers. Aaron does this while Owen stands down the hallway next to the drinking fountain.

I am sweating.

I know this is not going to end well.

The preschool door opens and much to my surprise, both of my boys walk in and put their little schoolbus into the basket for attendance. Just as one of their teachers starts to tell me a cute little story about what my boys said on Tuesday when they were practicing with their scissors, I look down and realize Owen is not in the classroom. He is out in the hallway.

I interrupt the teacher mid-sentence and go to the hallway. I bring Owen into the classroom and he immediately starts crying. Sad crying. He doesn't want to go to preschool today. He wants to go home. He wants me to stay with him at preschool.

I bring him over to the blocks and trucks and try to interest him in the toys. He is not interested. He is still crying.

I am sweating.

I walk him over to the playdoh table and try to interest him in that. For a second, I think he is going to pull himself together. His other teacher is there. She says it's okay if I leave. She can handle it.

I cannot.

I look at Aaron, who is playing so nicely with the playdoh. Now he is looking worried. He doesn't like that his brother is upset.

Again, their teacher tells me it is okay to leave. She practically has to pry Owen away from me. I tell them I love them and that I will pick them up after lunch. I can't look back. Owen is sad. I can hear him crying as I walk away. I turn around when I am out of the classroom and see that they have shut the door.

It takes everything within me not to turn around and go back to get him.

I am crying.

I try to go workout and my music will not play, so I listen to my thoughts as I walk on the treadmill. They are thoughts of doubt. They are thoughts of worry. Should I go back to preschool to listen in to see if he is still crying? I get home and try to busy myself to make the time pass by. I clean. I make blankets on the sewing machine. I do laundry. I worry. I wait by the phone wondering if his teacher will call to tell me to come pick him up. I hope. I hope he is okay.

I email his teacher. I explain our history.  I tell her I am concerned and tell her we have been trying to make this a positive experience for him. I ask for suggestions.

Time ticks by and I start to feel like I brought this on myself. We had a good routine going with me working and the boys going to daycare. They liked their daycare. I took time off of work to try to give them a better life. A life with less busy-ness and more time to just be kids. More time at home and more time with Mommy. Was this the right decision? It doesn't feel like it now.

This is hard.

Their teacher emails me back. She says Owen had a great morning! She says this is normal. She says she thinks we are doing everything right.

I cry.

Her email was so kind. So caring. She understands. She knows it's hard. I thought for sure she was going to tell me that preschool just wasn't going to work out. She reassures me it could still take awhile for him to warm up to preschool, but this is normal. Many kids were sad and tired today, she said. Instead of working on writing their names like she had planned on today, they read books and talked about how mommies and daddies want their kids to have fun at preschool but that it is okay to miss their parents.

She's done this before.

I haven't.

Why does our society make us think that if something is hard, we must be doing it wrong? That maybe, if something is hard, we might be doing it right??

I am still learning. I have a lot to learn. It is hard, this parenting gig. So hard.

On Starting Preschool: If My Tears Could Talk

I think I have been holding my breath for the last 2 and a half months.

This summer has been a challenge in other ways than the expected constant refereeing that being a mom to twin 4 year old boys brings. The constant talking about pooping and tooting and don't forget the fake burping. Oh, we've had our fair share of those times, and yes, it certainly does get old. But what was new and different about this summer was that my boys added two new words to their vocabularies.

Stupid.

Hate.

You would have been as surprised as I was when those ugly words first crossed their lips. I didn't know how to react. Do I ignore those words in hopes that not getting a reaction out of me will make it so the thrill of saying them again will be gone? Do I send them to their rooms for the rest of the night? Do I create a sticker chart for times that they use nice words?

Truth is, I don't remember how I reacted, but it obviously wasn't the way any good mom would react since those words were repeated on numerous occasions on a daily basis for the rest of the summer.

I hate swimming lessons. I hate going to bed. Mosquitos are stupid. I hate my brother. Stupid Mommy. I hate preschool.

Wait, WHAT???

How did this happen? Where did they learn to talk like this? Why are they talking like this all of a sudden? And how can we stop this?

I don't have the answer to any of those questions. All I know is for the rest of the summer, I seriously questioned my parenting ability.  Where did I go wrong? I would take fake burping at the dinner table any night over Stupid Mommy.

And why their sudden disdain for preschool? The timing of this was less than perfect. We attended a short "practice" session of preschool this summer in hopes of preparing them and getting them excited for what was to come this Fall. But halfway through that summer session, I was spending my mornings of preschool drop-off coaxing one or both the boys out of the bathroom stalls to go into their classroom.

Open House Night, August 2016

But as the calendar days ticked on by this summer, we remained hopeful that they would have a change of heart in time for preschool starting up again. Dan and I shared stories of when we went to preschool. We talked about how nice the teachers are and of course about how much fun they would have. We talked about art projects and science experiments. We picked out lunch bags and backpacks and first day of school clothes. We talked about how it is okay to be a little nervous. We reminded them that Mommy always comes back to pick them up. We attended Open House night and played with all the toys that they would get to play with. I talked to the teacher and shared my concerns.

And so, I continued to hold my breath when the morning of The 1st Day of Preschool came along. Truthfully, I was expecting a catastrophe.

I was expecting their tears, but not my own.

As they sat down on the rug and got out blocks and started to play with the trucks and tractors, I quickly realized they were going to be okay. They were going to be okay. They nervously waved goodbye to me and Dan, but gave us their best smiles. It was then that I could barely mumble the words, "I'm so proud of you," before I had to get up and leave before they saw me lose it.

I'm not sure if my tears were more a sign of relief, that I didn't have to coax either child into their new classroom, or a sign of disbelief that they really are growing up. So many emotions were going through me at that moment. The first 4 years of their lives were flashing back at me.

And so now, now it is time to start a new chapter. A chapter in which I must learn to trust other adults to love on and teach my boys. A chapter that will undoubtedly bring new challenges and yes, most likely broaden their vocabularies even more. But wow, Preschool. It's a chapter that gives me so much hope and so much excitement for the new worlds they will unravel and explore. And I can't wait to be along for the ride.

1st Day of Preschool, September 6, 2016